Saturday, May 31, 2014

From Goldie to Red. Postmark: JAIL

Dear Red,

Hey. I did it again.

Can you bail me out? I need you to come and either bring 3 sheep or 40 wolf fangs. Apparently bail gets set quite high for repeat offenders.

Look, in my own defense I did NOT take anything this time. Contrary to what the little guy says, all I did was taste his soup (disgusting by the way, far too hot, not enough salt). I LEFT his silver spoon, spoiled little --


I am building my defense I have some notes, window was open... It was a thunderstorm and I was seeking shelter. I was basically invited in by the warm flickering of their candle light. It's like a forest beacon - I mean, if you don't want visitors, don't beckon them with the promise of warmth and merriment.

The fact that the family was "not at home" when I visited them does not constitute breaking and entering. Nothing was even broken! (except that chair leg but I put that back together).

Anyone in my place would have done the same. 15 mile walk home? Cold thunderous night? Inviting tiny cabin in the woods that smells like pie and promises warm dry blankets and a good chance of snuggles? Anyone would have knocked on that door. Which, by the way I did. I knocked first.

If I ate some soup does that mean I stole the soup? No - and besides I gave it back to the officer who arrested me but then I was slapped with another ordinance of "Becoming violently ill on an officer of the forest." Whatever.

I do admit taking a nap in their bed might have gone too far...Maybe. But I was just so tired. I've been running for days. I was at The Edge, Red. Things are getting bad. It's, I know you don't believe me, but something is out there causing destruction and it's only going to get worse. I keep trying to warn people but no one will believe me. They say nothing bad can happen to us here. They say Happily Ever After is endless. But I think they're wrong. I think Happily Ever After is about to end and no one is prepared to deal with what's coming after it.

Can you get here as fast as you can? There's a psycho in my cell with me, keeps trying to pull out locks of my hair and spin them into gold. He's a creeper. Though Cell #22 has got a seriously creepy old woman muttering into her toilet about "who's the prettiest lady in jail." I want to tell her, "Lady it 'aint you," but she looks deeply threatening and I don't need any more enemies. I've made enough as it is.

By the way - how are you?

Okay, come quickly. Don't forget the sheep!

- G

P.S. can you bring some of your grand's cookies too? I'm famished. Thanks!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

From Cindy to Prince Charming: On leaving in such a hurry.

Dear Prince Charming,

I realize I left you somewhat in the lurch. And that’s not fair to you. I owe you an explanation. 

You’re a really great guy. Seriously. Perfect. Everyone says so. You have great hair, an excellent wardrobe, I dig the way you decorate. Your safari room was impressive, and quite terrifying - so many stuffed beasts… and that unicorn bust - wow. Shame it was the last of it’s breed when you shot it with that poison arrow. Anyway, here’s the thing - I think we’re just headed in two very different directions with our lives. You’ve got a kingdom to run, and I…well, I think I just have more to figure out - about myself. You need a girl who’s going to be beautiful and perfect around the clock, and fit into the shoes you pick out for her (again great taste - the glass was an especially nice touch). But that’s not me. I’m not that delicate and I’m never going to be able to stick my feet into tiny shoes that I might break if I walk too fast. 

You may think I’m rash - and an idiot for running away from such a great set up. But when I thought about all the balls I’d have to attend, the carriages I’d have to ride in, the feasts that would be prepared in my honor, the lounging, sitting, standing, walking slowly, smiling for really really long periods of time, the writing of formal letters, and all the sleeping and fainting that would be expected of me…well, I freaked out. 

I’m not good at anything royalty is supposed to be good at. Embroidery? Painting? Horrible. Sewing? I tried to mend a sock once. Ended up with a bloody nose and a sock sewn to my hand. I’d say the wrong thing at dinner, insult the Sultan of Somethingorother and get you in trouble..And, let’s be honest, you’d bore the heck out of me. 

Trust me, this is best for the both of us. Even though I don’t know exactly where I’m running to, what exactly what I want, or where I’m headed - I just know this isn’t it yet. 

I did want to let you know a couple things real quick - your buddy with the monocle is plotting to kill you and usurp your throne. Were I you, I’d hire a fairy-bodyguard straight away. You have an infestation of talking mice who are extremely industrious with a needle and thread. I took a few with me when I left but you should really get that taken care of. Feel free to wed any of my step sisters, they’re actually not that bad - just products of lazy parenting and incredibly high self-esteem. My step mother is a psychopath and if you have a chance, throw her in the deepest darkest dungeon you can find. Or to the wolves. Or a dungeon filled with wolves. Totally up to you. 

I wish you the best of luck finding a better fitting princess and I’m sorry for any hubbub I may have caused. I did really love the dance we shared together on the patio. It was nice, being away from everyone for those few moments. I felt more myself then. I snuck a glance at you when you were looking out at your kingdom. You had the tiniest smile that reached your eyes and in that moment I saw a very good man, and the makings of a great king. I know you will be just fine. 

Don’t try to find me. I don’t know where I’m headed, just that I’m going. I might head to The Edge of The Book. I don’t know. I’ve got a lot to sort out and only the open road and some blank pages can help me. If, for some reason there is an emergency, you can get a message to me though the Man in the Moon. 

I’m sorry the shoe didn’t fit. I just need to be barefoot for a while. Good luck prince charming, you will need it.

Best wishes for a happily ever after,

Friday, February 14, 2014

itsy bitty valentine

The itsy bitsy spider
climbed up the water spout...
where he crafted an intricate expression of love
into his itsy bitsy web.

 He feels very proud of himself, as you can see.

He'd like for you to know, this is for you.
So please appreciate the hard work that went into it.
Spider webs are delicate by nature,
so is love.

Treasure it.